There’s a pun in this title, because I’ve recently let insecurities get in my way of having a good time being myself.
I’m going to skip the details as it’s a little too close to home for me to publicly recount the feelings I had. While I’m disappointed that I felt such negativity effect me, I understand that we all have moments like this happen to us at some point or another. I am proud that I was honest about my feelings, and that I was able to continue without letting them sabotage my experience. I’m also going to use this insecurity as an impetus to reflect on what it is I like about sex and specifically pornography, so that I can get to the truth about why I do what I do. After all, I do it cause I love it.
As more porn opportunities for me arise, I want to ensure that I’m working in ways that are healthy to me. I’m a competitive person, but typically with myself — I’m constantly thinking about how I can do something the best I can, I love the moment of really feeling into what I’m doing. I’ve felt something special in porn that is a unique blend of 3 very real parts of my performance:
Sexual Aspects of Porn Performance (my list):
1. art – dance, theater, modeling, spectacle, highly self-aware portrayal for audience
2. athleticism – sports, stamina, agility, physical ability, flexibility, strength, focused on physical feat.
3. spirituality – emotional connection to others and self, orgasm, passion and love
These three things blend for me with pornography – specifically, performing in porn. I could go further to philosophize the intentions of the audience, my connection to the community associated with the work, be it feminists, women, queers, etc… however I’ll keep it simple and just stick to the actual work itself. And what’s interesting, is the experience creating the work vs. the final product as they’re sometimes very different. Because I’m not involved in the production of the final image I’ll again narrow in on the actual experience on set; what I’m feeling and thinking while shooting porn.
What I experience are blends of the 3 ideas mentioned above. Usually an experience is a combination of all three, and often one aspect will be higher than the rest. I love getting into the artistic merit of the directors’ vision, of my role as an actor/model in portraying an emotion or visual element. I love challenging my physical limits, my endurance, and more recently, exploring my threshold for pain. I love working with people who I admire, connect with, and love. I’ve had some of the most amazing shoot experiences working with my lovers and I would say that number 3 is probably my strongest performance strength, and what I find the most pleasure in doing. Through all of these ideas and blends of them in the work I’ve done, I value each shoot and honor each experience. I’ve grown a lot through porn and never have regrets.
What about this self-doubt? What happened was I compared myself to someone I’m not, and found that to cause me to think of myself as inadequate; a horrible feeling. I know what it is that I love, and (possibly another post) why it is that I think it’s important for me right now.
So, fuck competition and I’m gonna have a great time being ME.